During a Divorce, What You Say Matters

Divorce is no walk in the park. At times there will likely be heated arguments that ensue between the divorcing couple. These heated arguments can cause trouble on the divorce front, especially when the arguments happen often.


It is important in a divorce case for you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse to communicate respectfully (or as close to respectfully) as you can. It matters how you and your spouse communicate throughout the divorce process, and here’s why:


  1. The divorce process requires compromise and negotiation. When you are able to have respectful clear conversations, this can help aid in the divorce process. The divorce process involves a lot of compromise and negotiation. Thus, it is important to be able to have respectful conversations and negotiations. This will also help you in the long run save money and save face.


  1. The divorce process will cost less. When a divorcing couple is able to talk to one another without getting in heated arguments, this is cost effective on the divorce process. This helps the attorneys as well because there is less prying and work that is being done by the attorneys because you and your spouse are able to negotiate and communicate with one another to come to an agreement.


  1. The children also benefit. Often parents who cannot communicate with one another will end up fighting in front of the children. This is not a healthy and stable environment for the children to be in. The children need love and support during these times, so it is crucial for the benefit of the children for divorcing parents to put their children’s needs above their own and communicate with one another.


  1. Not only the children benefit – you benefit as well. When you try to be the better version of yourself, this not only helps the children, but it helps you as well. You have the ability to communicate and be respectful to your soon-to-be ex-spouse. You should not dwell or hold onto the things that you cannot change. When you hold onto these things you cannot change, these will make it more difficult for you to have a respectful conversation with your spouse during the divorce process.


  1. It helps set the stage for co-parenting. When two parents divorce, they will need to co-parent. Any co-parenting relationship needs to thrive on communication and respecting the other parent. Co-parenting also benefits the children as well. Co-parenting may not always be easy, but it is something that both parents should work together on doing.


It is not uncommon in the divorce process for you to feel stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, especially when it comes time to speak to your soon-to-be ex-spouse. In case you do become stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, you can try the following items which may also help with communication:


  1. Focus on the future. Set your goals of what you would like to see happen not just for the divorce, but for your future as a whole. Remind yourself of these goals. You can revise it, add to it, etc. Just stay focused on the bigger picture. Try not to become sidetracked by the issues that may arise and keep those issues from boiling over into arguments with your spouse. Arguing with your soon-to-be ex-spouse is not ideal and often times can be used against you in the divorce process. Keep your head on straight and focused for what is best for you and your children.


  1. Detach yourself. Go to your happy place even if it is five minutes. Relax and refocus on the light at the end of the tunnel. This will calm you down so that you can re-evaluate when you have had a chance to think more clearly. This can help when you have to have a calm and respectful conversation with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.


  1. Create a mantra for yourself. This can help you rebuild and remind yourself what your goals and wants are. You can focus on your mantra and remind yourself of it as often as you want. This can be focused on being able to communicate calmly and respectfully with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
  1. You will need to decide how you want to appear. It is important for the divorce process for you to act and conversate accordingly. Words can be used against you throughout the divorce process, so you must decide how you want to appear before the court, your children, your attorney, etc.


You must figure out how to respond, if you really need to respond or react to the conversations. If you must respond, respond with minimum information, especially if you cannot avoid a conflict. You can just disagree and say nothing more. If you do not have to respond – don’t.


It is important for you to know that what you say during the divorce process is important. You do not want to argue and cause hiccups throughout the process, let alone to have it come back and haunt you later on in the process. Be selective on what you say and do not communicate with your soon-to-be ex-spouse if you two cannot have a civil conversation that will only end up in an argument.


For more information, please see article “What You Say Matters, Especially During Divorce” by Andra Davidson on


The attorneys at Kathryn Wayne-Spindler & Associates are experienced attorneys who change with the times to meet the needs of their clients. Contact the Milford, Michigan law office of Kathryn Wayne-Spindler & Associates at 248-676-1000 for assistance.  Or contact our new location in Alexander City, Alabama at 800-809-9414. The attorneys of Kathryn Wayne-Spindler & Associates practice law throughout Southeastern Michigan primarily including Oakland, Wayne, Washtenaw, Genesee and Livingston counties. In Alabama Kathryn practices in primarily Lee, Tallapoosa, Macon, Chambers, Coosa and Elmore Counties.